July 31, 2004

1. I can see Ben Affleck, but I can't hear those oh-so-intelligent things he MUST be saying. It's almost more, fun, though to make stuff up. "Yes, Wolf, I agree with you on that point. J.Lo's ass, though huge, is overrated."

2. Sanity is not the issue; legality is.

3. You need to get out of college mode. You are a big girl now. You can go to sleep at 10 p.m. (or earlier) like the rest of the world. As a matter of fact, I am going to lay my head down on my desk now for a short catnap ... because I was up until 10:30 last night.

4. I love the town, too, but man, the paper's got a smaller circulation than the Daily Star! More people read our blogs!

5. Apparently I called this Megan that I don't know and wished her good luck with her knee surgery. Apparently my cousin Megan is yet to receive greetings from me.

6. Every copy-editing nerd girl wanted/wants to bone the shit out of his fragile little Catholic frame. I mean, from all I hear, I imagine that within a 100-mile radius of the J-school, he's the subject of about 2.4 sexual fantasies per month. It would be higher, I imagine, if J-schoolers didn't stress themselves to the point of not even being able to have sexual fantasies.

7. It's gotten to the point where I'm kind of avoiding it because I'd have to admit I'm an awful friend.

8. Where is this from, Hysterical Life Updates Monthly?

9. Remember the scene from Ace Ventura when the retching Ace takes a plunger to his mouth? I must go do so now after Fontaine put unsettling images involving Missourian grad students in my head.

10. I don't have any incentive to do anything but e-mail my friends who are bored with their own jobs. I search the net and I do odd Lexis-Nexis searches like "booger" + "Catholic church" + "fillet." So far, I've not found much, except a couple articles that make me not want to attend any fish fries at Catholic churches in Newark, but that's beside the point.

11. Is this what you want, a Republican paying your way? Is that the way you liberals think? Are you signed up for food stamps too? How are you going to pay John Kerry's $900 billion tax increase? Is that just for Republicans too?

12. Ahh, Missourian memories ... Eric Parry pretending to be competent, Warhover pretending to care, Judy Bolch pretending to be sober, Jody Sowell pretending to be straight, Brian Joseph pretending to be black, Richelle Turner-Collins pretending to be someone who can spell.

13. That girl is about as pleasant as prison rape.

14. I've fallen in love with "The Da Vinci Code." I only have 80 pages left. Why I'm not reading it now should be testimony to your awesomeness, and more than your awesomeness, the size of an ego would drive me to write 15K e-mails about myself.

15. I want answers! (with little to no work/research on my part)

16. And just what the hell is a Sockdolager anyway? Sounds like some sort of gypsy Virginny cocktail Warhover might use to soothe one of his forehead-induced headaches. ("My Sunday is the kids swingin' on the back porch swing, wifey bakin' rhubarb, and a three cans of of Sockdolager over the Sunday funnies.")

17. My house is infested with ants, the dog tried to bury my tortellini and a pot roast sat out on the counter airing out for a week. It's time to move.

Bonus conversation with my dad
Me: Where did you eat?
Rog: Texas Whorehouse ... warehouse. What is it?
Me: Roadhouse.

posted by Amy F. permalink