Oct. 25, 2005
1. I want to meet some people who don't gasp when I say "homo" or "Blackie McGee."
2. I've attached the itinerary so you can see how scary it is. They forgot the tea with Mussolini and drinks with DeLay.
3. Mizzou collapsed like it was a preseason workout.
4. That's like saying, "I know you support Condi Rice for 2008, but we can't always have a black woman in the White House."
5. Now I know that he must know I'm crazy. If he doesn't know that after five years, then he's blind. Or the guy from "Memento."
6. Just because I have boobs and I'm attractive doesn't mean I can't copy edit in sports, ya know?
7. I said, "Matt thinks you're going to be the first Yale graduate in the NASCAR infield." His reply: "I'm going to be the first Jew, too."
8. Hope you have a great day, uh, decking your ledes. (Sorry, don't know your lingo.)
9. Lockjaw is probably a good diet aid.
10. The Joint Chiefs of Staff are ALWAYS ruining my morning. Just once I'd like to be able to come home late and expect to catch up on lost sleep without a breathless morning call regarding the Pentagon.
11. This is why I'm in magazines: so that I can watch "Law and Order" and talk to you on the Internet at the same time instead of tearing my eyelashes out trying to sniff out a landline in some high school gym.
12. To think, I almost got to sleep with someone who went to a Jenny 8 party. Then I just slept with you.
13. I have many military skills. For example, I can retreat with the best of them. Also, I can grunt. Plus, my car is secretly a F-18 fighter jet (with a bum transmission and a missing hubcap). And, most importantly of all, I'm able to say "I will pay you for sex" in at least 34 languages.
14. Was it me, or did the lunch get a little more corporate when he showed up? Well, as corporate as pulled pork can get.
15. I just accidentally printed your last e-mail, which contained 5011 back-and-forths. I found the paper copy and am now eating it.
16. It's worth having much less intelligence as a man to have the ability to write cursive with urine.
17. The logic there seems a little like any plan on anything from the White House; it's like "If A then B, therefore if A then 2+2=5."
April 15, 2005
1. We had a potluck for an outgoing coworker, and I grabbed a foil-wrapped square I thought was an Andes mint. Nope, definitely butter.
2. I think the quote goes: "Advertising is the fuel of a free and independent press, though it is a business reserved for douchebags." You might want to backstop me on that, though.
3. I'd sooner you'd dig up Hitler's corpse and have sex with it.
4. Check out my new hot e-mail address that gives me such a false sense of importance!
5. I'm going to pay bills for a while. Keeps one away from secondary task reaction time research.
6. What do you owe me? Let's say the rentals were $15, shipping is $7 and costs of fines if caught is $380,000, for a total of $380,022.
7. My heart was jumping like Patty at an ACES conference.
8. He would probably get the most votes if you had a contest to pick the biggest A-hole, but I like him anyway.
9. If your prediction comes true, I will make sure to be on my best behavior with you. As you will have proved you are, indeed, the fourth witch of Eastwick.
10. I loved how he seemed to contain so much information that he was helpless but to let it all come tumbling out, even if it was often totally irrelevant to whatever we were talking about.
11. Holly got drunk twice last week. That's like Halley's Comet showing up twice in one night.
12. AP identifies the woman as his ex-wife. The Tribune went ahead and got them re-married. It was for the children.
13. I took the high road and berate her each and every time I see her.
14. This is the best idea I've had in a while. Well, other than me having two and a half beers with lunch while I was packing for my move.
15. I, for my part, laughed heartily. And then I hung my head in shame for being a copy dork.
16. Guilt and self-loathing seem to be the common threads that hold Catholics together. (Oh, and not reading the Bible.)
17. Well, who among us hasn’t fired off a drunken e-mail? I barely remember the one that got Homeland Security so ticked off at me.
18. Do you think the tech people notice that you send hundreds more e-mails than anyone else who works here?
19. I cant stress it enough: When having a party in the back of a U-haul, who's driving is just as important as what you're drinking.
Dec. 24, 2004
Special holiday edition*
1. Of course I'm 21, people! I graduated from college! If I were one of those geniuses who graduated from college when I was 19 or something, I would be in biomedical engineering, not journalism!
2. I feel a little bad that I went behind his back to get this info, but only a little.
3. Congrats on the job and not being pregnant. Of course, unless you wanted to be pregnant, in which case you have my deepest sympathy.
4. I've been thinking for the past hour on how to convince my parents we need the more expensive TiVo options.
5. We are on for a phone date later this week. I just hope my imaginary boyfriend Johnny Football Hero doesn't feel as though I'm cheating on him with you.
6. I just about strained a muscle trying to hit the delete button as fast as I could when I saw that.
7. Hi, I'm a journalist, but I can't get anything fucking right.
8. The kids at KCOU probably LOVE reading his stuff. That is, the kids who know how to read.
9. I watched two episodes of The OC and I feel better now.
10. This is by far the best thing I've ever read. And yes, Pat, that includes the work of David Sedaris.
11. She must have missed the Ms. Manners column about how to write professionally and tactfully about taking a crap on the floor.
12. Even if you spent $1 million on her, she'd still be a bitch. Might as well not waste your money.
13. Hope they cook those fingers well before putting them in the sandwiches — health and all, y'know.
14. Sorry this e-mail is uncharacteristically pensive. I promise I can be more shallow in other e-mails.
15. This just in: Trump will dump on TV viewers a new spin-off inspired by The Fragrance's hetero-homo conceit: "Queer Eye for the Loathsome Balding Capitalist Pig."
16. I'm secretly in love with the Sprint man. Only not so secret now, I guess.
17. Just because one can write well doesn't mean one isn't pure evil. Look at Karl Rove, for instance.
18. FUCK YOU FISCUS
(see below)
FUCK YOU FISCUS (sucker)
*OK, so there's nothing holiday about it. It's not like I was going to write an epic poem for the occasion.
July 31, 2004
1. I can see Ben Affleck, but I can't hear those oh-so-intelligent things he MUST be saying. It's almost more, fun, though to make stuff up. "Yes, Wolf, I agree with you on that point. J.Lo's ass, though huge, is overrated."
2. Sanity is not the issue; legality is.
3. You need to get out of college mode. You are a big girl now. You can go to sleep at 10 p.m. (or earlier) like the rest of the world. As a matter of fact, I am going to lay my head down on my desk now for a short catnap ... because I was up until 10:30 last night.
4. I love the town, too, but man, the paper's got a smaller circulation than the Daily Star! More people read our blogs!
5. Apparently I called this Megan that I don't know and wished her good luck with her knee surgery. Apparently my cousin Megan is yet to receive greetings from me.
6. Every copy-editing nerd girl wanted/wants to bone the shit out of his fragile little Catholic frame. I mean, from all I hear, I imagine that within a 100-mile radius of the J-school, he's the subject of about 2.4 sexual fantasies per month. It would be higher, I imagine, if J-schoolers didn't stress themselves to the point of not even being able to have sexual fantasies.
7. It's gotten to the point where I'm kind of avoiding it because I'd have to admit I'm an awful friend.
8. Where is this from, Hysterical Life Updates Monthly?
9. Remember the scene from Ace Ventura when the retching Ace takes a plunger to his mouth? I must go do so now after Fontaine put unsettling images involving Missourian grad students in my head.
10. I don't have any incentive to do anything but e-mail my friends who are bored with their own jobs. I search the net and I do odd Lexis-Nexis searches like "booger" + "Catholic church" + "fillet." So far, I've not found much, except a couple articles that make me not want to attend any fish fries at Catholic churches in Newark, but that's beside the point.
11. Is this what you want, a Republican paying your way? Is that the way you liberals think? Are you signed up for food stamps too? How are you going to pay John Kerry's $900 billion tax increase? Is that just for Republicans too?
12. Ahh, Missourian memories ... Eric Parry pretending to be competent, Warhover pretending to care, Judy Bolch pretending to be sober, Jody Sowell pretending to be straight, Brian Joseph pretending to be black, Richelle Turner-Collins pretending to be someone who can spell.
13. That girl is about as pleasant as prison rape.
14. I've fallen in love with "The Da Vinci Code." I only have 80 pages left. Why I'm not reading it now should be testimony to your awesomeness, and more than your awesomeness, the size of an ego would drive me to write 15K e-mails about myself.
15. I want answers! (with little to no work/research on my part)
16. And just what the hell is a Sockdolager anyway? Sounds like some sort of gypsy Virginny cocktail Warhover might use to soothe one of his forehead-induced headaches. ("My Sunday is the kids swingin' on the back porch swing, wifey bakin' rhubarb, and a three cans of of Sockdolager over the Sunday funnies.")
17. My house is infested with ants, the dog tried to bury my tortellini and a pot roast sat out on the counter airing out for a week. It's time to move.
Bonus conversation with my dad
Me: Where did you eat?
Rog: Texas Whorehouse ... warehouse. What is it?
Me: Roadhouse.
March 8, 2004
1. [It has] elements that make reads like Us magazine interesting ... in a you-dont-want-people-to-know-you're-interested kind of way.
2. You have to keep in mind this guy wears a WWJD bracelet.
3. So ... hopefully you are flexible. (And I'm not talking about putting your legs behind your head. ... I'm talking about your ability to accept change.)
4. I had to drive Dave M*tter's drunk ass home because I was afraid he'd fall off a curb into the gutter if I didn't.
5. I'd like to think college is about more than just drinking, but then again, I've been wrong before.
6. Man, if there ever were a candidate for a funny sentence in your inbox, this would be it. That, or if Fontaine ever sent you anything that resembled sincere sentiment or sensitivity.
7. I agree that I am vastly underappreciated and hugely underpaid. Can you find me a columnist gig at the Washington Times?
8. I love that we can talk trash about her fiancee online — and that people actually are.
9. More surprising to me than Robin Givens running over an elderly woman, Robin Givens running over an elderly woman with her SUV, Robin Givens running over an elderly woman with her SUV in Miami, Robin Givens running over an elderly woman with her SUV in Miami and nearly severing this woman's foot is: Robin Givens, 39, running over an elderly woman with her SUV in Miami and nearly severing this woman's foot.
10. There was an opening as for an ill-intended crazy person who can't design person. I'm surprised she didn't take that.
11. Unlike Our Fair President, an idiot surrounded by intellects, Quin Snyd*r seems to think his intellect would be better served in the company of absolute morons.
12. I'm on the hepatitis train.
Dec. 3, 2003
1. Does gossip about yourself count as "gossip"?
2. Whyareyoukeepingittoyourself?Tellwhatthefunnythingis.
My
space
bar
is
broken
so
this
is
the
best
I
can
do.
Deal.
3. While you have rejoined civilization, I am stuck here in mid-Missouri next to a sweaty, overweight man in hunter's garb having cybersex on Gay.com in Ellis Library. Sigh.
4. Unfortunately, I got stuck with the life without meaning or purpose.
5. Oh, Amy, Amy, you forget how much I don't care about news. I watch the OC and the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, not Hardball.
6. Shouldn't there have been a red flag in her substance-less little head?
7. We used to make out on the quad every couple of weeks. How do YOU know him?
8. It must be so much freakin' pressure to have everyone think you're perfect. I only have a few people who think I'm perfect, and I don't know how to cope.
9. And this is not an outpouring of LUST — well, not exclusively.
10. If only I would open up my eyes and pop a few Prozacs! Oh, the desperation of it all. (Here's where I faint.)
11. I must confess I'm a tad drunk at the moment. I might have had about six glasses of wine to go with my lasagna.
12. I'm going to keep e-mailing you until one of my lines makes it on your "Funny sentences in my inbox" post. Just so you know.
And a special bonus section, the subject of which is a J311 professor whose name I’ll keep out of Google’s reaches:
13. And on that note, I am off to pretend like I care about my capstone class, and for that matter, D*'s opinion.
14. So I told him, the next time D. gives you shit, ask him something like how to move objects into the foreground when you’re designing in Quark.
Sept. 25, 2003
1. My brother is as annoying on water as he is on land.
2. My new phone has like 10 numbers in it. Yours is not one of them.
3. Correction: Yesterday's correction referring to a correction correcting the previous day's story about the number of corrections the Missourian has been forced to run due to an incorrect correction following a story about the Department of Corrections, which was incorrectly referred to as the Department of Correction, incorrectly corrected the spelling of that department's name. It is still Corrections, as far as we can tell. The Missourian regrets the heir.*
4. There's nothing shameful about the Waterloo Corn Pone being your hometown newspaper. NOTHING AT ALL.
5. What important people, other than me, would be emailing you?
6. Did I ever tell you about the time I fell asleep at a train station for about 20 minutes?
7. Well, I'm off to my J200 lab. (When was the last time you heard someone say that? —Ed.)
8. I wanted the last sentence to read: "Thanks for the info, showed it to my friend, and I swear I don't have a crush on you." I fought the urge and left it out.
9. Did I miss the memo that only stupid people are allowed to speak up in cross-cultural?
10. And still, the crusty grammar Nazis still will not allow me to "host" a party.
11. I wish I had more funny stories for you — I guess getting kicked out of Fieldhouse and then breaking up two fights between my friends and the bouncers and then a truckload of guys. I also walked home from Big 12 Providence last night. You don't think it would be that long of a walk, but it definitely is.
12. Aaron Sorkin is a thief! He stole my joke!!!
13. I wouldn't trade any of you for a million dollars! (Well, maybe Kelsey, but she understands. It is a lot of money, right?)
14. Perhaps people know who you are because descriptions of your whereabouts are sent on the J-school listserv.
15. I'm sorry, I wish I could turn this charm off, but I can't.
16. I just fell asleep for three hours. In the middle of that time, I got up to watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and discovered my free cable was no longer. Damn.
17. Leave it to our school to flaunt the tackiest display of capitalism right at the heart of your visit. I'm sure you wanted to blow black and gold chunks.
Bonuses
Subject line of the day: Would I be a whore if ...
Quote of the day: "I can find infinite ways to blame the Trib for society's pitfalls."
*Credit the Jayson Blair desk stealer for this one.
